When my mental health journey started, I knew it was going to be a long one filled with ups and downs. What didn't I expect? My own body and mind resisting as strongly as they did the moment I tried to dig deeper. Dizziness, near-fainting, being unable to move: My body was literally shutting down. The defense mechanisms I had developped subconciously as a child were telling me to back off, not to go there, it isn't safe, etc. To help understand this better, I spoke with Danielle about it. Since then I've spent a lot of time training my Dahn Jon, or the main energy centre for the Body & Brain practices. Consistant tapping every day whenever possible has strengthened this area considerably. With the third round of Danielle's Emotional Self-Mastery course (formerly known as Accept & Create), I've been able to figure out part of what was causing my body and mind to react so strongly: Doubt. Insecurity. Lack of Trust. All of this originates in the traumas I experienced throughout my life. Consistancy when doing the exercises is key.
Unfortunately I suffered a few injuries and some personal issues related to my friends and family. This is why this blog post is so many months after the last one. I'm in the midst of the 4th round of Emotional Self-Mastery and I keep discovering new things about myself. Emotional Self-Mastery isn't a course for which you can get a grade. It's your personal ongoing journey to self-discovery. We had a long break over the holidays and my mental health deteriorated as a result of the injuries and the lack of classes. When 1 February came up, I was glad. The fourth round of ESM has been very fruitful. My mental health has improved.
My psychiatrist confirmed that I've been living with bipolar disorder. At the end of January 2024 new meds were introduced. They improve my sleep, stabilise my mood and enhance my overall well-being.
Since the introduction of the new meds I have felt like doing things again. I wake up wanting to do things. I'm not in a manic episode anymore, but I do have a sense of hyperfocus. Instead of the mania that might be hurtful to me, I focus on colouring. I colour several pages a day. I've also been able to read more, which is an absolute pleasure. I read big books or I watch videos on YouTube about colouring techniques to improve my own. I've managed to complete a book with 125 designs this month. It's very satisfying to see that I feel like doing things again, actually wanting to follow through with things I'd otherwise stop. I've learned to set more realistic goals for myself. When my Inner Saboteur comes to visit me again in Danielle's classes, I'm not taken aback by it anymore. I remain calm, talk to it, watch it. This sounds odd, but it's like telling my body and mind that the place I'm in is safe and nothing can happen. I have things to look forward to again. More on that later this year.
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