Last month's ADHD diagnosis didn't surprise me. It was a validation and a confirmation of what I already knew to be true. Over the years I've created a lot of coping and compensating mechanisms. One of them is writing by hand, for which I have an iron discipline. In fact I started my 31st notebook since February 2018 just this month. Sometimes I struggle to get anything done at all, but my writing is a must. It's part of the daily routine I created for myself when my mother fell ill. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was so anxious about the possiblilty of losing her that I decided to put my thoughts to paper. My paper was to be the silent witness of what was truly going on. No judgement. Just the freedom to feel authentic feelings. God knows I cried a lot. Thankfully my mother recovered, but I didn't stop writing. It had become such an essential part of my day that I couldn't imagine my life without it.

In the months since my last post, I've come to realise that I was going through a manic episode. How do I recognise manic activities? I go to sleep extremely late (sometimes even 03.00 A.M.), I spend a lot of money on several things, I have a lot of energy, talk a lot and I hurt myself in different ways.

A new month and a somewhat different post. For as long as I can remember, I've had a big interest in books. Was it a form of escapism? Perhaps. I like the luxury of sitting comfortably and travelling places through the words of other people. In 2015 I went to my favourite local bookshop, then called La Librairie Internationale V.O. owned by Môn, to see who won the first Des Racines et des Mots award. I joined the group of readers for the next year. The group Les Amis de V.O. reads all year and selects books for the Longlist and Shortlist before a Jury decides which of the five books on the shortlist wins. I have been reading and selecting books somewhat regularly. This year I'd taken a break for personal reasons, but I definitely will be back among the readers next year.

Last night was the final class of the sixth Emotional Self-Mastery course with Danielle. She asked us about our 2024: what are our takeaways and what do we want to leave behind. Next, she asked us to think ahead about the new year to come: what is your theme for the new year. After our tapping session and Qi Gong energy meditation, we were asked to reflect on these subjects. 

Last month, I took time to myself. My mental health was going downhill as a result of several things. I suppose one can say life got in the way to a certain extent. Danielle's second round of Awaken & Feel and Accept & Create classes are about half-way now. As I go through the exercises on a weekly basis I discover more about myself. As Danielle regularly points out during her Accept & Create classes, our soul or our essence is covered under many different layers that each influence the way we function in society. One of the layers is my beliefs. A great awakening about how strongly our beliefs influence us came to me a few days ago. 

As a toddler I'd often ask someone for permission to go take a nap. In summer, my question changed: "Why do I have to go to bed already? It's not even dark yet and we're supposed to go to bed at night time." It didn't make sense to me that night time could be when it was full of daylight outside. I'd stay awake until exhaustion or until actual sunset most of the time. Looking back, I understand where this came from: I've always been very sensitive to light. If the light around me is artificial or faint, my mind tells my body to go to sleep. In summertime I often go to sleep around sunset, waking up around sunrise. Since the sun is setting so early in winter, I try to keep myself busy until later in the evening in an attempt to make my night last as long as possible. I've always been an early bird with a tendancy to get up when the sun does. Summer Solstice is one of my favourite days of the year. I soak up the daylight like a sponge as if I'm trying to prepare myself for the days that'll be getting shorter until it leads us to the day with the least daylight of the year, Winter Solstice. 

The first eight weeks of the Accept & Create class with Danielle passed quickly. The effect on my mental and physical health has been wonderful. A year ago, my medical team and I were not even thinking about me going back to full time work. Now, I'm set to do just that next month. Danielle's gentle guidance through each deep feeling gave me the tools I need to help manage my mental health, which also helped improve my physical health. When the last Accept & Create class ended, I was filled with gratitude: I'd been able to dig deep down inside, feel each feeling as they were and give them the space they needed to pass. There's room for inner peace and better overall health now.

Today's society is always on the go: people receive calls, e-mails, whatsapp messages, notifications about this and that all day and even all night. This type of technology allows us to connect with more people, but it disconnects us from ourselves. Last week, I joined an introduction webinar with Danielle Gaudette about finding our True Self. What does True Self mean to you? To me, it means my core, my soul, the essence of who I am. Through tapping and meditation exercises Danielle guided us deep inside ourselves. The feelings I had are very personal. If you were  to do the exercises, you might feel something completely different. I was overcome with gratitude and love. As my energy flowed between my hands and gentle music was playing I indulged in the feeling while gently swaying on the rhythm of the music.

It sounds easier than it is. When you describe your feelings and discomforts to the medical professional, they work with that to determine the causes and possible treatments. This is why it's so important to tell them as much as you can. If the subjects to discuss are difficult (i.e. trauma), I'd recommend making a small list of what you need to discuss before you see the specialist. Since many people require psychological help, it may be hard to find a centre near you. One of my doctors recommended a psychiatrist in a different city, but they have so many patients already that they can't take on any new ones for the moment. Unfortunately, this happens a lot. 

When I told my parents I needed psychological help, it was hard for them to deal with. I'd always been this happy, smiling girl. Not quite the person you'd expect to have any form of mental health problem. Many of us suffer in silence because of the stigma around mental health. In fact, I'd been suffering since I was a child. Since my mother had shown similar behaviour when she was a child, nobody asked any questions. It wasn't until much later that I found out 'my normal' is considered 'abnormal' by the majority of people worldwide. My parents, especially my mother, would have liked more resources for those who live with a person who is suffering from depression or any other mental disorder. As we navigated this life with my (manic) depression and PTSD, I noticed a few things I often heard from people around me when I told them I was suffering. To help you, here are some do's and don'ts when someone tells you they are struggling with depression/PTSD/anxiety/panic based on my own experience with all of this. Remember each person and each situation are different. Get medical help if needed.